It has become customary, in many Lodges, to refer to the meal after the meeting as "The Festive Board". Festive no doubt it is, but it is followed by speeches, and men who have arrived feeling festive are in danger of departing feeling bored. I do not say this is bound to happen, but the danger is always there.
    Do we, perhaps, take as much trouble about the speeches as we do about the work in Lodge? We hold Lodges of Instruction and Rehearsals, and give young Masons help and encouragement in learning and putting over the ritual, but when it comes to speech-making it is every man for himself!
    Now I do not profess to be an expert, nor would I dare to offer advice to the many excellent speakers who regularly delight their audiences, but I do claim considerable experience, and in sixty-five years of Masonry it has been my lot to be called upon to speak on more occasions than I care to enumerate. So perhaps you will allow me to offer a few thoughts on after-dinner speaking.
    The first essential thing is to be audible. Very few schools teach elocution these days, with the result that far too many people speak very badly – slurring and sliding, dropping the voice at the end of sentences, and excessive use of that awful gap-filler "You know". At masonic dinners one has to remember that possibly half those present are reaching retirement age or over, and hearing is not as easy for them as it used to be. I admit to being one of the "hard-of-hearing" myself, and I know how annoying it is to hear a speaker telling some anecdote and then dropping his voice on the punch-line, thus ruining the whole effect.
    Having learnt how to say it, the next thing is to decide what to say. In general, speeches fall into two categories: proposals of toasts and replies to toasts. They have to be approached from different angles.
    In some ways, proposing a toast is easier because one has time to prepare – and if necessary to write down what is to be said. A speech should have a beginning, a middle, and an end (and preferably in that order!) but if you are writing a speech, always work out the end first, then the beginning, and then connect them with a suitable middle. Don’t try and write too much; a shorter speech, well delivered, is always better than a long rambling dissertation. A wise old man once told me: "Always leave them wanting a bit more. Never get to the stage where they have had enough."
    Replying to a toast requires different treatment and has certain pitfalls. First, whatever you may have prepared beforehand can be rendered completely useless by something the proposer says. How often have we heard, "Well, I’m afraid the proposer of this toast has said most of what I was going to say." Always try to have an alternative ready in case this should happen.
    However, replying also gives opportunities as well as pitfalls. The ideal reply is one that picks up something the proposer has said, and then turns it into something else. One of the best examples I ever heard was a proposer who described a ceremony as "out of this world", and the man who replied said he was sorry the proposer thought it was "like nothing on earth…?"
    What about funny stories? Yes, a story is a good thing to include, providing that (a) it is clean, (b) it is not too long, and (c) it is relevant to the subject of the speech. It is not good enough to introduce it with, "I heard a good one the other day."
    If there are several replies to the toast to "The Visitors" and you happen to be called on last, try to avoid repeating what others have said. I know this isn’t easy, but if you have thought about it beforehand you can have something else ready up your sleeve. I say "beforehand" because, although you may be given little notice, you should always be ready. When you are a visitor, always assume that you may be called on to reply; then, if you do happen to be called on, you will be ready, and if you don’t happen to be called on, no harm done.
    I return to the subject with which we started – audibility. No matter how clever and well prepared your speech is, if it is not clearly heard by all present, then you have failed. Another bit of advice my wise old friend gave me, and which I try to follow, is this: "Always talk to an imaginary deaf man who is seated at the far end of the room. If he can hear you, then everybody can." And the great actor David Garrick was once asked to name the three most important qualities for an actor; he replied, "The first is to be heard, the second is to be heard, and the third is to be heard." This is still true today.
    As a last general recommendation, never, never say, "I don’t know why on earth I have been called on to speak", because you will either go on to make a good speech and be accused of false modesty, or else you will make a bad speech – and then everyone in the room will be wondering why on earth you have been called on!
    May there be no boredom in your festivities.