Greetings Brothers,
    I feel privileged to have this opportunity to introduce you into my world of Real Ales. As a brother and a landlord with the girth of a 36 gallon barrel, I believe I have earned and, indeed, supped enough to lead you into the salivating, enjoyment-seeking realm of the Real Ale connoisseur.
    I would like us to take a look at Marstons ales. This brewery only uses yeast from the Burton Union Sets. They are unique in this practice, so the distinctive taste of their beers is common to no other.
    Pedigree is their best-selling bitter. If you have never tasted it, you are being deprived of a real ale sensation. At 4.5 gravity, it is not to be taken lightly. This nutty, strong, but very smooth beer slips down so easily you can find yourself three sheets to the wind in no time. Over-indulgence of this high-gravity beer is not recommended.
    At this point I would like to say a few words about my amply curved wife (it wasn’t me who said she was fat). My dear little piranha fish (as I so fondly call her) swears that Marstons Low C really helps her to stick to her calorie-controlled diet (Ha! ha!). It does indeed contain 25% fewer calories than equivalent strength premium beers. It’s brewed to a unique recipe and then double-fermented. This leaves it lower in sugar - but ladies, don’t make the same mistake my little piranha often does : it is low-calorie, but not low-alcohol. This light, refreshing, zingy beer is becoming ever more popular among the figure-conscious population : definitely one for the girls.
    Once a month, the Head Brewer (at Marstons) concocts a beer especially for we connoisseurs, as we do need our taste-buds titillated from time to time. This can only be good news. I have spent many a wild night of pure enjoyment, and many a bad morning of nausea and headache, as a result of over-indulgence in these wonderful brews. I have picked three of my favourites from the Head Brewer’s choice range, and hope you will try them for yourselves.
    Number One on my list is a nice light beer called Summer Wheat. This ale looks suspiciously like a lager, but rest assured, the taste is rather of a refreshingly light bitter. It also has a gravity of 4.2, so again needs to be treated with dignity. I find this ale good on a hot summer’s day as it is lighter than the rest of the range.
    Now for Number Two on the list. The brewery name is Excise Standard D, but my name for it is the Big Boy; it packs a punch as well as Prince Naseem and has a gravity of 5.5. It’s a strong, very old- fashioned tasting beer, and is as full-bodied as my little piranha : a particular favourite of yours truly.
    Now for Number Three : last, but certainly not least is Monk’s Habit. Again, this one is 5.5 gravity, so it needs to be treated with respect : a strong, very dark winter ale, warming you right to the soles of your feet - just one of its not always-so-subtle qualities. This beer is very popular with the older generation, who never cease extolling its virtues. I have to admit I’ve seen a couple of my older gents coming in quite sane to all appearances, only to leave looking as if they have had a bad case of senile dementia after three or four pints of this bold brew.
    I hope you have enjoyed your glimpse into the world of the poor, hard-working (mainly with my right hand), long-supping, land of mine host.
    Signing off now,
    Old Fireglass
    (a.k.a. Commander Round).